I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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