Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
