What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I am one with the molecules
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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