and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
