and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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