you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
