As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
