I wanna passion pit in your ass
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
