Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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