onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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