Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
