I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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