i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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