I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize