I think im going to throw up on grandma
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
