Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
