anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
