I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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