the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
