Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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