I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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