Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
