I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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