I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
