Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
