Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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