it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
