I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
