Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
