she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
