He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
