i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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