Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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