I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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