Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
