wakey wakey hands off snakey
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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