You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
