Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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