Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
