We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
