I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
