When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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