Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
