I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
