Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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