Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
