Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
