My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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