she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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