so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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