The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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