I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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