My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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