my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
